I have dreamt such weird and intense things lately. Waking up feeling confused and stressed. So sleep dreams are not ranked very highly right now.
But my daydreams have gotten really vivid. I don’t know if it’s my meds or being on sick leave, and spending a lot of time just sitting or laying around, but I drift away very easily and for long periods of time.
Mostly diffuse things related to input: being a superheroine, being lost in a forest, being an Assassin, timetravelling.
But now other things are sneaking in. Just laying around cuddling someone, kissing, making out, going for walks.
I love that stuff. The little things. Closeness.
Being a monogamous demisexual in todays hookup-culture is absolute shit.
Add to that being gay, having a picky heart and high standards and it gets worse.
And even if I DO find someone, flirting or hitting on someone is absolutely impossible for me these days.
My exes fucked me up properly. When people tell you something enough times, your mind starts treating it as the truth. So now I have this mental block telling me that it’s no use to pursue anyone, because I’m too needy, too intense, too distant, too messed up, too depressing, too introverted, too annoying, too talkative, too loud, too weird and just a fucked up and tiresome person to be around.
And I’m terrified that one more person will tell me this and push me away.
Cause then I’ll know for sure that I will end up alone for the rest of my life.